ISSC 30th ANNIVERSARY CELEBRATION
Vancouver ISSC Gaelic Footballers over the Decades!
Goalie
Must have "great goalmouth presence"... which is secret code for being fat enough to have his own gravitational pull. Always in the 40-50 age bracket, this is a gent that will almost convince you that he played minor for his County in goal, even though the last time he got his knees dirty diving was at a St. Patrick's Day Dinner/Dance in 1983 when his version of the Hucklebuck went out of control, with numerous casualties.
Right Corner Back
The quiet man of the line-up, he seems to escape the jokes in the dressing room just because no one has ever seen him angry and are afraid of hidden depths. Unmarried with severe emotional baggage. Contact with a woman consists of the handshake at Mass on a Sunday morning.
Full Back
First started playing football shortly after the ISSC was formed in 1974. Will get a nosebleed if he passes beyond his own 50-yard line. Utterly, utterly useless and yet is a great hit with the supporters. Quite likes the smell of blood…not his own mind you.
Left Corner Back
Has all the footballing skills of a piece of cheese and yet has been known to disappear up corner-forward's arses for days on end. An absolute cast-iron guarantee to be made to mark the other team's young and absurdly fast superstar in the making.
Right Half Back
This boyo hasn’t missed a training session since the 10th Anniversary celebrations for the ISSC. Selection is basically the manager's way of proving that he “doesn't give a damn who you are, if you're not down training we're not going to give you a game.”
Centre Back
Disgruntled former County player, tried to remove various Executive members of the ISSC at past AGM’s and now has about as much chance of being on the Executive as he does of playing Hamlet in the Globe. Hasn't been training and is still absolutely guaranteed his spot on the team.
Left Half Back
Young Canadian-born player, half of the Canadian content for the entire ISSC. About five foot four inches, he is still told to get under the kick outs and “take the game to the opposition”... secret code for don't pass it to anyone unless your life is in serious danger.
Midfielder
Chronic alcoholic who last scored a point in the Baileys’ Cup Tournament in 1998 and yet reckons he is justified in having a go for a point from anywhere inside the opposition's half. Well-liked character because he always gets his round in at the post-match drink-up.
Midfielder
The full back's older brother, who sports a rather strange looking bandage on his knee – probably hiding teeth marks or something. Prone to making strange guttural noises every time he strains himself. Eats five dinners a day and is a prime suspect for a coronary.
Right Half Forward
Quiet spoken educator who hails from the Trout Lake area but is now living in West Vancouver. Drives a flashy sports car. Lads from the East End don't know what to make of him, “but he was an awful annoying bollox in elementary school.”
Centre Forward
Third of the set of brothers that includes the full back and midfielder. Is the target of all the brother's clearances... ALL of them.
Left Half Forward
Utterly, utterly, useless Canadian, who by some fluke of nature happens to be a deadly accurate free-taker. Tries to avoid open play altogether as he is far too important to the team to get injured. Is basically the team's only source of points.
Right Corner Forward
Happily married man who hasn't played football since the ISSC competed at the North American County Board Finals in 1985 but has suddenly decided to take up the game again. Natural talent is completely and utterly over shadowed by his beer belly. Guaranteed to bag a goal or two.
Full Forward
Hasn't scored since the 20th Anniversary celebrations of the ISSC but is captain of the team and an all-out nut case. The line commonly quoted to excuse his complete inability to find the target is “he's a good man to bust up the play.” Will no doubt be marked by a similar figure playing for the opposition. Only at this level will the full-forward and full-back play the game the exact same way, and could even switch positions with no effect on how the team plays whatsoever.
Left Corner Forward
From the West End, who invariably sports an earring and a seriously dodgy hair cut. Will be involved with the referee within five minutes of the throw in. Plays the foreign game and is hence viewed with suspicion by all. Guaranteed to bag a goal or two.
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